Game of Thrones - Season 6 Episode 9 Recap 'Battle of the Bastards'

This week's episode of Game of Thrones proves exactly why the show is so popular - epic battles, snarky dialogue, and a boat-load of both lovable and loathsome characters. This is a truly rip-roaring, thrilling penultimate episode that makes us wonder - will the finale be as satisfying? If you're looking to get up to date on all the goings-on of Season 6 Episode 9 - Battle of the Bastards, then you've come to the right place!

Team Dany vs. The Masters

The episode opens with Meereen under attack Pirates of the Caribbean style. There's a shit load of ships, and only one Daenerys Targaryen.

Tyrion tries to console Dany by saying she has the support of the people - although not all the people, however, as the Masters hate her guts, remember. Dany seems eager to get going and charge head-first into the action. Her plan is questionable, although she appears resolute - she will crucify the Masters, set their fleets on fire, kill every last one of their soldiers and return their cities to the dirt. A strong speech, but Tyrion appears unconvinced - he's worried Dany will go ga-ga like the mad king. Dany is undeterred - 'This is entirely different' - but Tyrion suggest an alternate route of action.


They meet the Masters outside the great pyramid and the Masters take the opportunity to gloat. They insult Dany and call her a 'beggar queen'. Ooo, bad move Masters. If it's one thing we know, it's that you should never underestimate Daenerys Stormborn, First of her name... etc etc.

Dany says they should be negotiating the Masters surrender, not hers. They claim her reign is over, but she thinks differently, and utters one of the episodes' most quote-worthy lines - 'My reign has just begun'.

This triggers an immensely epic sequence which involves Dany jumping on the back of her dragon, Drogon, flying away to join the other two dragons, and consequently laying waste to a number of the attacking ships (not all though, Dany has other plans for those ships, after all). Daario Naharis rides to the rescue with an army of fighters and cuts down the Sons of the Harpy, and the Masters realise they are unequivocally screwed.

Tyrion convinces the Masters' troops to flee - after all, who would want to die for slavers that could care less about you? - and the Masters begin to beg for their lives. Tyrion is having none of it; he thanks them for their fleets ('Our Queen does love ships'), and insists that one of the Masters must die as punishment for their crimes. They are quick to give up the 'low-born' Master, but Greyworm cuts their 'victory' short by slitting the throats of the other two, and letting Mr-luckiest-guy-in-the-world go. So long as he promises to tell everyone how amazing Dany is and ensure no-one ever desires to cross her, of course. Everyone walks away looking very smug and it seems its game, set and match for Team Dany.

The half-man meets the half-man

Later, Theon and his sister Yaara meet with Tyrion and Dany. Tyrion recalls how Theon used to make jokes about his height (probably should have laid off him Theon, you know, now that you're arguably half a man yourself, eh?). Tyrion comments how things have not been going well for Theon, considering he had to resort to slaughtering boys barely out of kindergarten to maintain control. Retired-Reek protests he did not murder them (of course, we all know this), but that he did worse things that he has already paid for. Tyrion doubts it - after all, Theon is still alive. Dany asks why Theon is there - he has brought her ships, and she presume he wants her support for his claim of the Salt Throne. Theon counters - he doesn't want her support for himself, he wants it for Yaara. She asks why not Theon, and he claims he is not fit to rule; on this, Theon and Tyrion finally agree.

Dany seems pleased at the possibility of another strong female ruler, but Theon warns her that his uncle, Euron, also has ships and will be offering a substantial amount up in exchange for Dany's support. Dany asks why she should not just accept his offer, and Yaara crudely mentions that it is not just the ships that Euron offers, he also has (in his mind) a rather large package, and an offer of marriage for her. As we all know, Dany is an ~independent woman~ and rolls her eyes at his pathetic proposal. Yaara says her offer is free of any ludicrous marriage demands, and then proceeds to subtly flirt with Dany. This is one pairing we can definitely get behind.

Dany notes that everyone in the room had fathers who were evil men. They left the world worse than when they found it. 'We're going to leave the world better'. Dany demands that they respect the land - no more raiding, no more raping. Yaara is surprised - 'that's our way of life'. 'No more' Dany counters, and Yaara begrudgingly agrees. They shake hands (or, arms?) and it seems we're in business, baby.

The long-suffering Starks

Meanwhile, back in the North, Jon and Sansa are meeting with the guy everyone loves to hate - yep, Ramsay Bolton. He addresses her as his 'beloved wife' - back off, creep. He thanks Jon for returning her and says that if he dismounts his horse and proclaims him the true King of the North, he will pardon Jon, his troops, and everything will be dandy... the next thing you know he'll be holding summer fetes and kissing babies... yeah right. 

Of course Jon isn't having any of this. He attempts to avoid the bloodshed by proposing a one-on-one hand to hand combat with Ramsay. However, Ramsay merely laughs and says although he is unsure if he would beat Snow in a fistfight, he is sure he will win on the battlefield. He has the larger army, more weapons, and the tactical advantage. Sansa puts on a brave face and tells Ramsay that he will die tomorrow, and that he should get some much needed R&R before then. She promptly rides away with all the implied 'fuck you' attached.

Ramsay comments on what a fine woman she is and how much he looks forward to having her back in his bed. He doubles down on his threats by saying how he's sure his dogs will be enjoying their gourmet meal of hundreds of Stark-followed tomorrow, when he crushes them in battle. He wonders which parts the dogs will try first... eyes... balls... (I'm sure it all tastes like chicken - right?). Fighting talk, Ramsay, fighting talk. Tormund looks decidedly pissed, while Jon looks pensive.

Questionable battle-plans and whining

Back at the tent, Davos talks strategy, and Sansa appears frustrated. Cue necessary battle talk and fighting maneuvers... and OMG just start the battle, already. We all know what we're waiting for here. Everyone retires for the night and Sansa laments over the lack of experience Jon has. 'I know how he likes to hurt people' Sansa says. She has insight, she can help. She knows he won't fall into Jon's trap, and she says Jon is being naive in thinking that he will. Jon lists off his various accolades (yeah I came back from the dead, bitch), and Sansa says Rickon will never be retrieved. Rickon has the most solid claim to the North and Ramsay will never let him live. They continue to bicker like young children - Sansa says they don't have enough men, Jon says it's all they have and they'll make do. Clearly he believes in his invincibility. Sansa says if Ramsay wins, she won't be going back there alive. Jon says he can protect her, but Sansa isn't convinced 'No-one can protect me, no-one can protect anyone'.

Battleforce Galactica

It's the day of the battle and everyone looks like they are about to pee themselves. The Stark banner is flying boldly, and Jon heads to the front of his army to lead. Ramsay, on the other side of the battlefield, leads a clearly scared Rickon out into the open. He draws a knife - will he slit his throat right here and now? NO - he lets him go and tells him to run. We can all see where this is heading. Rickon runs (he could be going a little faster) and tries to reach his brother. Jon jumps on his horse and charges to meet Rickon - who is still running in a frustratingly straight line (use a weaving pattern, you fool!!). Predictably, he is mown down by an arrow just as he is about to grab Jon's hand. It's all very dramatic, but who didn't see it coming, eh?

The battle commences and boy, are there A LOT of casualties. Both sides lose a fair few men, but Jon's team is looking decidedly worse for wear. Eventually they become trapped inside a wall of soldiers, all wielding spears and shields. You go near a shield, you get stabbed with a spear. It's a fairly simple concept. All appears to be lost when suddenly, the sound of a horn is heard. Who should appear - but Sansa Stark, with everyone's favourite creepy uncle, Petyr Baelish, and the Knights of Vale. They promptly massacre Bolton's men and Ramsay and a few stragglers retreat back to Winterfell.

What we've all been waiting for 

Ramsay, still apparently confident in his position, claims the Starks don't have enough provisions for a siege and that all they have to do is wait it out - they won't dare attack. Right on cue, the door starts shaking and the giant rips straight through, despite taking considerable arrow-fire in the process. With the doors now open, Jon & Co race straight in and Jon finally gets the hand to hand combat he wants when he beats Ramsay's face to a bloody pulp.

Sansa watches on gleefully and exacts her own glorious revenge later when she allows Ramsay to be brutally eaten alive by his dogs - I mean, he didn't feed them for 7 days for christ's sake - and they are only too-willing to chow down on some Bolton-not-Bolton-flesh. Sansa strides away in what can only possibly be described as a gangster-swagger, with a pronounced smirk on her face. Season 6 Sansa is definitely our favourite Sansa, amirite?

And thus, concludes a truly epic penultimate episode of Game of Thrones!

What will happen on next week's finale?

Will Aria be reunited with her brother and sister? What will happen to Bran, the last remaining legitimate son of Ned Stark? Will Dany cross the sea with her ships? Will Cersei and Margaery finally bury the hatchet?

And who, just who will claim the Iron Throne?

Let us know who you think it will be in the comments!

Alice Through the Looking Glass (2016) Review

"Everyone parts with everything eventually, my dear."

Looking glasses, big heads, yellow-haired girls, and (thankfully) no Hatter body-popping – why, it can only be the sequel to 2010’s surprisingly high-grossing hit: Alice Through the Looking Glass. Delightfully charming Alice Kingsleigh (Mia Wasikowska) is back and on an adventure to save the Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp), essentially, from himself. But beware – there’s a game afoot! Did I say game? I meant Time. Time (Sacha Baron Cohen) – who’s now suddenly a person and there’s a grand clock that breaks easily and err, let’s break it down for you. Basically, the film opens Pirates of the Caribbean style with tipping boats and Chinese voyages and then switches to Alice having to perform a Back to the Future-esque voyage where she can’t let herself see herself (following so far?) or it will have depp…I mean deep, ramifications. Now we’re going into Inception mode as Alice traverses her hallucinogenic dreamy mind-field whilst battling with the concept of time – and, well, time himself. If we haven’t attracted your attention by now, then nothing will. Naturally, all the gang is back too, including the Red and White Queens, (Helena Bonham Carter & Anne Hathaway, respectively), Tweedledee and Tweedledum (Matt Lucas), as well as the Cheshire Cat (Stephen Fry) and Absolem (Alan Rickman). I bet this all sounds plenty confusing, but it’s actually one of the more coherent plots for fantasy films, which is saying something.

Indeed, in this particular world, plot points have been reimagined and back stories created, straying into new territory which may divide fans of the original novels. However, if you go into the mind-set that this is not supposed to be anything like the Lewis Carroll book, then you should be safe from harm. ‘Loose’ adaptation, this certainly is – but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. The additions of explanatory back stories help create a feeling of continuity, tying up unanswered questions and creating a more heartfelt story and adding personality to characters who were vastly under-developed in the original film.

In particular, Iracebeth and Mirana (Red and White Queens) actually feel like sisters in this Alice addition, something that was greatly lacking before. Both Bonham Carter and Hathaway are given more screen-time, allowing them to shine as the respectfully different royalties, and their viewpoints and ideologies given more depth. Of course, it wouldn’t be Alice Through the Looking Glass without Alice, and Mia Wasikowska demonstrates that she’s a quiet force to be reckoned with; charismatic and fiercely independent, she breathes life to a strong-willed and defiant Alice, a person any girl could look up to. But Alice has an adversary and his name is time, and time waits for no woman. Sacha Baron Cohen conjures up his best comedic German accent for the performance – almost as impressive as his French in Les Mis (courgette, anyone?) – and proves to be a welcome addition amongst the crowd of oddballs.  

ATTLG succeeds in many ways, although there are slight falters in pacing, as the frankly random mental institution scene slows down the latter part of the film, making it difficult to regain footing, and is merely brushed off as if it never happened. Fortunately, this is not enough to disorientate viewers entirely, and we are once again back to wading through the oceans of time (quite literally) to save these memorable characters.

Whilst the original may have prided itself on its darker and more disturbing nature, this instalment injects a hefty amount of colour into its imagery, and its vivid visuals cannot be understated. Certainly appealing itself to those who wish to be aesthetically astounded, the film has spared no expense in its attempt to dazzle you; from the elaborate kaleidoscopic costumes to the expertly envisioned landscapes, this is a movie that wants to make a bold statement and pushes the boundaries of wonder. Like Alice, the creative team focusing on the production clearly managed to achieve their seven impossible things before breakfast.

Rather expectantly, Danny Elfman’s score enthrals listeners and compliments the overall tone of the piece superbly, inviting audiences to immerse themselves fully in this utterly breath-taking place, the eponymous young adventurer’s track being a particular gem (‘Alice’).

Elevated by visual spectacle and solid performance, Alice Through the Looking Glass is ultimately worth another trip down the rabbit hole, looking glass, or whatever mystical transportation device you can find, in order to experience the enchantment of Underland once again. 

The Sin Eater's Daughter (#1) - Melinda Salisbury [Review]

Book: The Sin Eater's Daughter (#1)

Author: Melinda Salisbury

Published: 24th February 2015

Publisher: Scholastic Press

Pages: 336

Rating: 1.5/5 stars

I started this knowing there were mixed reviews - some people love it, some people, not so much. I wondered where I would fit in on the scale - having now finished the book, unfortunately I fall more towards the 'not so much' opinion.

The book starts off with such promise, I was really enjoying the intrigue and mythology surrounding Twylla. The sin eating was a really cool concept, which definitely could have been expanded on more in this book. I also like the myth of the sleeping prince, and the gods, and Daunen, and I feel like there was absolutely more potential here for development, rather than the disappointing conclusion with regards to the story arc concerning Daunen.

Another, honestly, frustrating element were the characters. My favourite was the queen, even though she became more pantomime-villain esque as the story went on. I wanted more in terms of her motivations and her inner thoughts, as opposed to her being reduced to a character the audience could 'boo' at every so often.

The main female lead, Twylla, was intriguing at the start, and a little naive, but as the story progresses her character only serves to be a cliche, with many events befalling her, which result in increasingly idiotic actions on her part. There is a love triangle in this book, and whereas normally the female lead must choose between two attractive males, NONE of Twylla's choices are appealing.

The Prince, Merek, is so wooden and stagnant he is reminiscent of a cardboard-cut-out. He could literally be called 'generic prince'. There is very little character building here, not to mention that his name alone is lacking distinction. His name is very similar to Prince's from other franchies - think: Maven from Red Queen, Maxen from The Selection, and Merik from Truthwitch.

Whereas Merek is just plain boring, Leif is akin to the village idiot. He has barely any brains, he's aloof, and absolutely not cut out for any serving or attending work. I found myself wondering throughout the whole book why ~oh why~ has he been hired?? Surely the Queen has better judgement? And finally, in the end, we are enlightened as to this fact, and everything finally falls into place. Although, the reveal is not satisfying, nor is it clever.

Whereas this could have succeeded as a book about mythology, religion, and morals, it instead becomes a book of utterly cliche characters, boring tropes and dull love interests. So it's really no wonder Twylla was doomed from the start.

I have, however, heard that the sequel is much improved, but I can't quite bring myself to delve again into the depths of this questionably constructed literary universe.

The Top 10 Emily Lines [From Pretty Little Liars]

Emily Fields. What a star. Athlete, do-gooder, and all round pleasant gal - this is the type of friend you'd be glad to have on your A team. Of course, Emily has had anything but an easy ride, and despite suffering perhaps the most out of everyone in the Liars, she always remains true to herself - and you've gotta give her credit for that. Needless to say, with these harrowing life situations comes some blunt and to-the-point dialogue from Miss Fields, and she often functions as sort of a moral compass for the girls - which, let's face it, they totally need. You can check out the other editions of this particular 'Top 10' series, here: Hanna Marin // Spencer Hastings // Aria Montgomery // Mona Vanderwaal // Alison DiLaurentis.

10: Shawshankin' It Up

In true Andy and Red style, Emily strikes a deep nerve with this one. As always, the applicability is rife, and quite frankly the only thing we'd be dreaming about in Rosewood is how the fuck we can get out of here (and no, moving to Ravenswood is not any better). Seriously, retire to Hawaii or something. Aint nobody got time for A. [Episode 1x01]

9: A Dream Within A Dream

Continuing along with the theme of dreams, Emily's out to dish some real Fields' truths and she's serving them up freshly made. You'll certainly want to take this particular advice, and considering the fact that people can't pop up in your random dreams (unless you're in Inception) unless you allow them to be there, we're betting this is most likely true. Seriously, Emily should have her own advice column or something. Someone write to the Rosewood Chronicle, stat.  [Episode 2x09]

8: And in Rosewood, everything looks bad

Let's just bear in mind that this is ROSEWOOD we live in. The place where everything and everyone looks bad and/or guilty and most of the time it's simply not the case. Usually it's the quiet ones (hint, hint, Melissa, Wren, Lucas, Jenna, Mona etc) that end up being the dodgiest, so best to be cautiously suspicious but perhaps not overly presumptuous. After all, like Emily says, things aren't always what they appear. Get ready for some mystical illusions, Derren Brown style. [Episode 3x18]

7: Neither do we

This simple statement early in Season 1 proves ever more important, and quite frankly, we agree with Emily. What DOES normal feel like anymore? What does it look like? We're so used to seeing people almost being sawn in half, barely escaping explosions, very nearly being burnt to death in house fires and narrowly avoiding being thrown off trains inside wooden boxes that we're not quite sure what a normal episode of PLL would even look like. Perhaps the next ep could just be all the women getting together for a nice meal at the Rose Grille (and no, nothing is poisoned and there's no people in prosthetic masks allowed, thanks). Although that probably wouldn't make for nearly exciting enough TV. C'est La Vie. [Episode 1x02]

6: Smooth Shay

Ouch. And it sure did hurt. But the fact that Emily can look back on that moment and make a joke about it shows how much her character has grown. And all in the space of one season! Emily's really making waves, here. It's a shame the swimming didn't quite pan out, but hey - there's always coaching...or tropical drinks making? Fingers crossed Emily gets back on the horse in the seventh season. [Episode 1x20]

5: What Everyone Wants to Say to Anne Robinson

This was truly a turning point for Emily's character, and it resonated far beyond this mere episode. After spending what seemed like decades being targeted for being the 'weakest member' of the Liars, Emily and the girls finally managed to get some payback, by setting up A (dear, dear, Mona) at which point she gets hit by Hanna's car (payback, anyone?) and drops her phone. This whole plan and Emily's effortless acting (and in turn, Shay Mitchell's) to lure MonA in was truly superb, and this was one of the more triumphant moments in PLL history - and let's face it, there's very few of them. [Episode 2x15]

4: Assumptions

In what seems to be the norm, the assumption of this random college-scout-guy who we can only vaguely recall, that a nice girl like Emily must have a boyfriend and not a girlfriend was particularly hilarious when Emily whipped out this zinger. You tell him, Emily. Soz, guy, she's just not that into you. Also, this marks the progress since the below quote, that Emily can openly state her feelings towards women. Keep rocking, Fields. [Episode 4x05]

3: #Emaya

We feel you, Emily. This touching, raw moment came after the first kiss for Emily and Maya way back when in Season 1 and it still has emotional value now. This was a big moment for the character and the development of Emily as a prominent, openly gay character on television, and this was the beginning of it all - not only for Emily to begin to open up to others, but also embrace this side of herself that she had subdued, especially in her relationship with Ben. Naturally, this quote is versatile enough to mean anything, in the way of having too much in your head, and it's particularly thought-provoking in itself. Don't worry Emily, things will get better.  [Episode 1x04]

2: Not so fragile

We've all wanted to say this at some point. And no more so than Emily. Since the emotional death of Maya, it's understandable why people would want to be cautious around Emily for fear of upsetting her, but sometimes, you just want to feel normal - and for people to treat you the same. The best part of this was that Emily wasn't afraid to say it like it is, and we love her for it. [Episode 3x03]

1: Been There, Done That

Definitely one of the most quotable lines from the entire series, and there's certainly a fair few characters on the show (read: all of them) who might want to take Emily's lead and stop lying. Lest they end up in jail - oh wait, the Liars have already done that, so...er...jokes on you, I guess. It makes you realise how many bad situations could have just been avoided if people told each other the truth, as soon as they knew it. There'd certainly be a higher population in Rosewood and probably less psychological trauma. At least Emily is honest (to herself). [Episode 2x02]

We hope you've enjoyed this belated follow-up to the Top 10 PLL Lines - and they'll be more to come soon in the form of Alison's and Mona's edition. Hey, maybe we'll even do one for the guys. I'm sure Caleb, Toby and Ezra have some real zingers lying around somewhere.

Hope and Red (#1) - Jon Skovron [Review]

Book: Hope and Red

Author: Jon Skovron

Published: 30th June 2016

Publisher: Orbit

Pages: 416
Source: eArc provided by the publisher via NetGalley

Rating: 4/5 stars

I had no idea what to expect with this one, I didn't have much to go on - but the premise sounded intriguing. It was definitely not what I was expecting, but that is by no means a bad thing.

If I had to describe this story, it's an amalgamation of Gangs of New York and Pirates of the Caribbean, with a little bit of Assassins Creed thrown in for good measure. There's gang fights, ship sailing, sea creatures, sordid encounters, and a ton of folk slang. Seriously, there's a glossary at the back and everything. Now, rather than being off-putting, this actually served to make the story more immersive, and I really felt transported to the fictional universe that Skovron has created. 

This book is bold, brazen, and unashamedly crude. There is graphic violence, horror and sex. After reading the opening few pages, I was immediately hooked, and had a million and one questions. Although the pace is somewhat meandering in the first 20-40%, it soon picks up (once Hope and Red actually meet each other) and the action is full throttle from pretty much then on. Although I was at times confused concerning certain parts of the narrative - there are some seemingly random passages from the point of view of a biomancer - the purposes of these passages becomes clearer towards the end of the book, and sets up the next novel nicely. 

The biomancers, in fact, were an interesting concept, and I would love to know more about them (I'm hoping this will be covered in the next book) and, indeed, I'm anticipating more development concerning the figure of the emperor, too. 

This brings me on to the characters; none are quite alike, and everyone appears to have a tragic backstory. There's Red, and orphan, living on the streets - he's charming, silly, daring, and altogether a great guy. He starts off unsure of himself, but he really progresses throughout he book, along with the help of the notorious Sadie the Goat. Sadie is just as silly and daring, and she really helps Red to find his 'place' in the world. Their banter was cute, much appreciated, and I enjoyed their dynamic.

Then there's Hope - Bleak Hope, to be exact - named after the town in which she was born. Of course, like her name, her life has not been all that great, and she moves from one bad situation to the next (can the girl catch a break?). She's determined, honorable, loyal, and super bad-ass with a sword. She survives so many trials and struggles, and she never gives up - It's safe to say I adored her character.

Her dynamic with Red is one of the best parts of the book, and, as mentioned, when they actually meet a fairway into the book, their chemistry becomes evident and they compliment each other nicely. Don't get me wrong, this is by no means a ~love story~ and there is definitely no swooning or instant love to be found. It's a gritty, sometimes ugly, and tense story, with a fair amount of gore and violence. There's some truly creepy stuff throughout this book, but there's also some warm friendships to be found, and an excellent sense of community among the wags of New Haven, which help combat the darker parts of the story. 

Ultimately, this is a book unlike any other I have read, and it definitely surprised me. I think it can only improve in the next book, and I am looking forward to seeing how both Hope, and Red, change and develop. If you're a fan of tales of adventure, hardship and you love a bit of crude folk slang, then you're sure to love this tale... keen?