This week's episode of Game of Thrones proves exactly why the show is so popular - epic battles, snarky dialogue, and a boat-load of both lovable and loathsome characters. This is a truly rip-roaring, thrilling penultimate episode that makes us wonder - will the finale be as satisfying? If you're looking to get up to date on all the goings-on of Season 6 Episode 9 - Battle of the Bastards, then you've come to the right place!
Team Dany vs. The Masters
The episode opens with Meereen under attack Pirates of the Caribbean style. There's a shit load of ships, and only one Daenerys Targaryen.
Tyrion tries to console Dany by saying she has the support of the people - although not all the people, however, as the Masters hate her guts, remember. Dany seems eager to get going and charge head-first into the action. Her plan is questionable, although she appears resolute - she will crucify the Masters, set their fleets on fire, kill every last one of their soldiers and return their cities to the dirt. A strong speech, but Tyrion appears unconvinced - he's worried Dany will go ga-ga like the mad king. Dany is undeterred - 'This is entirely different' - but Tyrion suggest an alternate route of action.
They meet the Masters outside the great pyramid and the Masters take the opportunity to gloat. They insult Dany and call her a 'beggar queen'. Ooo, bad move Masters. If it's one thing we know, it's that you should never underestimate Daenerys Stormborn, First of her name... etc etc.
Dany says they should be negotiating the Masters surrender, not hers. They claim her reign is over, but she thinks differently, and utters one of the episodes' most quote-worthy lines - 'My reign has just begun'.
This triggers an immensely epic sequence which involves Dany jumping on the back of her dragon, Drogon, flying away to join the other two dragons, and consequently laying waste to a number of the attacking ships (not all though, Dany has other plans for those ships, after all). Daario Naharis rides to the rescue with an army of fighters and cuts down the Sons of the Harpy, and the Masters realise they are unequivocally screwed.
Tyrion convinces the Masters' troops to flee - after all, who would want to die for slavers that could care less about you? - and the Masters begin to beg for their lives. Tyrion is having none of it; he thanks them for their fleets ('Our Queen does love ships'), and insists that one of the Masters must die as punishment for their crimes. They are quick to give up the 'low-born' Master, but Greyworm cuts their 'victory' short by slitting the throats of the other two, and letting Mr-luckiest-guy-in-the-world go. So long as he promises to tell everyone how amazing Dany is and ensure no-one ever desires to cross her, of course. Everyone walks away looking very smug and it seems its game, set and match for Team Dany.
The half-man meets the half-man
Later, Theon and his sister Yaara meet with Tyrion and Dany. Tyrion recalls how Theon used to make jokes about his height (probably should have laid off him Theon, you know, now that you're arguably half a man yourself, eh?). Tyrion comments how things have not been going well for Theon, considering he had to resort to slaughtering boys barely out of kindergarten to maintain control. Retired-Reek protests he did not murder them (of course, we all know this), but that he did worse things that he has already paid for. Tyrion doubts it - after all, Theon is still alive. Dany asks why Theon is there - he has brought her ships, and she presume he wants her support for his claim of the Salt Throne. Theon counters - he doesn't want her support for himself, he wants it for Yaara. She asks why not Theon, and he claims he is not fit to rule; on this, Theon and Tyrion finally agree.
Dany seems pleased at the possibility of another strong female ruler, but Theon warns her that his uncle, Euron, also has ships and will be offering a substantial amount up in exchange for Dany's support. Dany asks why she should not just accept his offer, and Yaara crudely mentions that it is not just the ships that Euron offers, he also has (in his mind) a rather large package, and an offer of marriage for her. As we all know, Dany is an ~independent woman~ and rolls her eyes at his pathetic proposal. Yaara says her offer is free of any ludicrous marriage demands, and then proceeds to subtly flirt with Dany. This is one pairing we can definitely get behind.
Dany notes that everyone in the room had fathers who were evil men. They left the world worse than when they found it. 'We're going to leave the world better'. Dany demands that they respect the land - no more raiding, no more raping. Yaara is surprised - 'that's our way of life'. 'No more' Dany counters, and Yaara begrudgingly agrees. They shake hands (or, arms?) and it seems we're in business, baby.
The long-suffering Starks
Meanwhile, back in the North, Jon and Sansa are meeting with the guy everyone loves to hate - yep, Ramsay Bolton. He addresses her as his 'beloved wife' - back off, creep. He thanks Jon for returning her and says that if he dismounts his horse and proclaims him the true King of the North, he will pardon Jon, his troops, and everything will be dandy... the next thing you know he'll be holding summer fetes and kissing babies... yeah right.
Of course Jon isn't having any of this. He attempts to avoid the bloodshed by proposing a one-on-one hand to hand combat with Ramsay. However, Ramsay merely laughs and says although he is unsure if he would beat Snow in a fistfight, he is sure he will win on the battlefield. He has the larger army, more weapons, and the tactical advantage. Sansa puts on a brave face and tells Ramsay that he will die tomorrow, and that he should get some much needed R&R before then. She promptly rides away with all the implied 'fuck you' attached.
Ramsay comments on what a fine woman she is and how much he looks forward to having her back in his bed. He doubles down on his threats by saying how he's sure his dogs will be enjoying their gourmet meal of hundreds of Stark-followed tomorrow, when he crushes them in battle. He wonders which parts the dogs will try first... eyes... balls... (I'm sure it all tastes like chicken - right?). Fighting talk, Ramsay, fighting talk. Tormund looks decidedly pissed, while Jon looks pensive.
Questionable battle-plans and whining
Back at the tent, Davos talks strategy, and Sansa appears frustrated. Cue necessary battle talk and fighting maneuvers... and OMG just start the battle, already. We all know what we're waiting for here. Everyone retires for the night and Sansa laments over the lack of experience Jon has. 'I know how he likes to hurt people' Sansa says. She has insight, she can help. She knows he won't fall into Jon's trap, and she says Jon is being naive in thinking that he will. Jon lists off his various accolades (yeah I came back from the dead, bitch), and Sansa says Rickon will never be retrieved. Rickon has the most solid claim to the North and Ramsay will never let him live. They continue to bicker like young children - Sansa says they don't have enough men, Jon says it's all they have and they'll make do. Clearly he believes in his invincibility. Sansa says if Ramsay wins, she won't be going back there alive. Jon says he can protect her, but Sansa isn't convinced 'No-one can protect me, no-one can protect anyone'.
Battleforce Galactica
The battle commences and boy, are there A LOT of casualties. Both sides lose a fair few men, but Jon's team is looking decidedly worse for wear. Eventually they become trapped inside a wall of soldiers, all wielding spears and shields. You go near a shield, you get stabbed with a spear. It's a fairly simple concept. All appears to be lost when suddenly, the sound of a horn is heard. Who should appear - but Sansa Stark, with everyone's favourite creepy uncle, Petyr Baelish, and the Knights of Vale. They promptly massacre Bolton's men and Ramsay and a few stragglers retreat back to Winterfell.
What we've all been waiting for
Ramsay, still apparently confident in his position, claims the Starks don't have enough provisions for a siege and that all they have to do is wait it out - they won't dare attack. Right on cue, the door starts shaking and the giant rips straight through, despite taking considerable arrow-fire in the process. With the doors now open, Jon & Co race straight in and Jon finally gets the hand to hand combat he wants when he beats Ramsay's face to a bloody pulp.
Sansa watches on gleefully and exacts her own glorious revenge later when she allows Ramsay to be brutally eaten alive by his dogs - I mean, he didn't feed them for 7 days for christ's sake - and they are only too-willing to chow down on some Bolton-not-Bolton-flesh. Sansa strides away in what can only possibly be described as a gangster-swagger, with a pronounced smirk on her face. Season 6 Sansa is definitely our favourite Sansa, amirite?
And thus, concludes a truly epic penultimate episode of Game of Thrones!
What will happen on next week's finale?
Will Aria be reunited with her brother and sister? What will happen to Bran, the last remaining legitimate son of Ned Stark? Will Dany cross the sea with her ships? Will Cersei and Margaery finally bury the hatchet?
And who, just who will claim the Iron Throne?
Let us know who you think it will be in the comments!
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